speaking my truth

wow, at last i'm speaking my truth.
after having a great chat with S on saturday and us becoming very vulnerable.
We spoke again yesterday and he asked me when he would see me . I replied when you make time , your always busy.
So he invited me to his house last night for dinner with his housemates and there was me all meek and saying ok ..
Anyway after I put the phone down to him I realised I hadn't spoken my truth and that i was feeling angey and disapointed . so I called him back and told him that actually that didn't work for me and that I wanted to see him on my own.
As it turned out Iw ent over for dinner and hung out with him after and I really got that he's not interested in me on a sexual level, he just wants to be friends. even though he flirts with me..
Doing The Work this morning I got that I just want him to agree with me ..
I'm feeling free today and just amazed at how my mind loves to fall back into denial.. anyway I've told him that I will move in for 1 month to his house , so he'll be my landlord , that should make things interesting huh!!
ok blessings to all
\xxpipxxx

my cars broken

I'm pissed off today because my car has broken down,
I can't reverse it so i'm trying to see the possibilities that this might be a good thing.
one possibility is that I'm learning more about cars.
another may be that I can buy myself a van and stop paying rent and live in my van.
anyway feeling abit bummed out at the moment.
pip

vunerability

It's friday today.
I've felt very confused and vulnerable today due to S asking to move into his house, as a lodger that is.
I'm noticing that I still feel very deeply towards this guy even though I don't want him as a boyfriend. Our last encounter on this level left me feeling pretty bruised for a while. I'm also noticing that I'm scared to tell him how I feel because he might reject me. Do I want him to get involved with the illusion of me or the real me. Over the past few days I have had a few friends who have told me that they love me because i am able to delve deeply into my vulnerability and that they really see me doing my work. So I'm disproving that my sensitive nature is a problem in my life and starting to like that side of me.
So Gio suggested I tell S what's going on for me, yes I am over and bored of hiding these parts of myself , time to move through this and if S isn't open to me like that then at least I know the score and can move on and be around friends who love and support me as I am..
Have also just completed my 2nd class in pole dancing, it's full on and great fun.
Anyway that's me today
blessings
pipxx
wish me luck

Hi There,
My name is Pip and I'm starting a blog to express my deepest thoughts, dreams, desires and fears. This is a space where I can really expose myself and let everyone who's willing to listen to get a view into my mind.
Today I have been feeling rather vulnerable, I noticed how I wanted to close down around S (S is my ex boyfriend ) because I heard that he is interested in one of my friends . I noticed how I wanted to close down and shut him out of my heart when I heard this. My thoughts went to feeling really jealous and not being able to handle seeing him with one of my friends. Interestingly enough there was also a part of me that wants to welcome this as a way to work though some of my jealousy issues and desire to possess him.. Also noticing conflicting feelings of feeling like I'm still in love with him and yet being clear that I don't want him as a boyfriend.. Sometimes there is clarity around this and other days I'm in confussion around it.
anyway thats my blahhh for today.
I would welcome any feedback anyone has around this
blessings